The last thing I expected that day was an apology. For a few seconds that felt like an eternity, I was at a loss for words. The young man sitting opposite me had just admitted that he had helped fabricate stories about me because his boss had instructed him to do so. I remember my anger. What I did not understand then was the injury he had suffered himself.
A term I had not been consciously aware of came into stark view for me recently. It is possible that I may have come across it before, but just hadn’t focused on it enough for it to settle in my conscious memory. Moral injury. The term itself is relatively new in modern history, but the underlying concept runs deep in human history. In simple terms, it refers to the psychological and moral harm experienced by military personnel when betrayed by those above them. In other words, the internal harm they experience when they are ordered to do or witness things that go against the grain of their moral beliefs.
This term popped up while I was reading an article about the classification of the stories recounted by Israeli soldiers who claimed that they were given orders to do something that they believed was immoral. Moral injury. That term landed with a heavy thud in my chest.
While I was reflecting on this term and its implications, I had a flashback. A memory that took me back almost ten years. I was asked to attend a meeting with two gentlemen. It was an ad hoc side meeting against the backdrop of a host of scheduled meetings. I could not have predicted what would play out in that room.
I am sitting in a room that is not in my home country, the soil I hail from. Not standing on your own soil can leave one a tad on the back foot. The two gentlemen are not South Africans. That, in itself, creates room for a cultural mismatch that would inevitably shape how things play out. At least to a certain degree. And, they are standing on their own soil.
I was not in a good space when I walked in. The environment I found myself in at the time contained hostile elements that had created significant toxicity. For me, it felt like I had been pushing a heavy wheelbarrow uphill with no end in sight. So, I arrived feeling heavy and weary. This is an important part of the story. The state we are in always affects how we respond to what is in front of us. Had I not been feeling so battle-weary, I probably would have seen what this piece is about sooner. Moral injury. At the time, I only saw half of the story – what was relevant to me.
The last thing I expected was that the junior of the two would apologise to me. Nobody had told me that it was the meeting’s agenda. Now, in Enneagram terms, I am a type 5. We do not like surprises. I did not see that one coming and was not ready for it. My world tilted a bit, leaving me unsteady on that soil that is not mine. An apology that seemingly came out of nowhere from one of the last people I would have suspected would sit with that offering at the altar of my ego.
The young man admitted that his boss at the time had coerced him into participating in the fabrication of stories about me. The new boss, the one sitting with us in the room, had evidently orchestrated the process that led to where we were now. I had to face an unsolicited apology and did not know what to do with it. Because my pain had, by then, already transformed into anger. I could see the lies about me, but could not do anything about them, because those who spun them held more powerful positions.
My response was not one of my finest moments. Very few people can claim that they have seen me genuinely angry. I generally have full control over how I express emotions in front of others. Maybe I’m just kidding myself about that, but I have been told I have a poker face. Not that day. The first words that came out of my mouth were: “Do you understand what you have done to me?” Not gently, dripping with bitterness. Of course he had some understanding, because…the apology (duh). But I vented first. And only thereafter did I feel some empathy for him. He was just sitting there. I don’t know what he was expecting, but I don’t think that my version of wrath was it.
I then accepted the apology, and what I left the room with was the beginning of forgiveness and respect. Despite my anger, I could still recognize the strength it took to face me and apologize to me. What stuck with me was the respect I felt for both him and, in particular, the new boss who facilitated what would become a moment that would test me too. Respect, I can work with.
Now, many years later, I have this flashback and start to see deeper things my mind did not bother to occupy itself with at the time. The time-distance and fullness of forgiveness helped to clean the lens. Moral Injury. The forgiveness that came later created space for greater clarity where anger had clouded my mind and created tunnel vision.
What I saw was a young man who gathered enough courage to acknowledge that he had gone along with something that he knew was wrong. I saw someone who was willing to take responsibility and face me. What I missed was the depth of the injury he suffered in the process under one leader. And, I hope, the healing he gained under the other.
I do not know whether the leader who brought him into the room had fully appreciated the role he played in facilitating his subordinate’s inner healing. He may only have focused on ensuring that the right thing was being done. I would take my hat off to him if he saw then what I am only seeing now – the role he potentially played in the rehabilitation of an individual’s inner world in the aftermath of the moral injury.
The term moral injury may have been coined in the context of the military, but the concept, in my view, applies to our organisations as well. That is where many a battle is fought. Leaders who ask employees, whether explicitly or implicitly, to do something wrong, like lying about something, turning a blind eye, or sweeping facts under the carpet, inevitably cause moral injury. In the context of the power dynamics, it becomes difficult for most to stand their ground and say no. It is, of course, easy to say the person should just say no, but what would you do when it results in you losing a job that a whole household and perhaps extended family relies on? When you sit with the difficult choice of doing the right thing and carrying the negative consequences that come with it. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying that it is ok to do the wrong thing, but rather that we should understand that doing the right thing sometimes comes with a heavy price. We won’t know whether we would be willing to pay the price if we’re the ones doing the paying. So, we reprimand, but with empathy, not eternal condemnation. Because we understand moral injury.
As I reflect back on that young man and what he was going through, I see three stages.
Stage 1 – Coercion
The process of having to make the decision of going along with an instruction that he knew was morally questionable, or standing up and saying no. These decisions are often coerced under pressure. When we have little time to reflect and pull ourselves back from the brink of stepping into the dark side. Sometimes we only realise afterward what exactly we had participated in because we are not given the full facts.
Stage 2 – Internal conflict
Dealing with the conflict created in himself after the fact. I have just done something that goes against the grain of what I have been taught, and I have affected someone’s reputation. Moral Injury. How do you live with yourself when you know that you have caused harm or contributed to the causing of harm? Perhaps you create a justification in your mind, but you were still a blunt instrument used by your superior. I can only imagine the internal distress it would have caused him. It does not always sit in the conscious mind. You know what you did, even when you suppress the memory. I suppose I would have been an inconvenient mirror every time I showed up in those spaces. My presence, scratching at the wounds of that moral injury. Some people resent that scratching and end up doubling down, clutching at justification, in an attempt to make themselves feel better.
Stage 3 – Rehabilitation
Then, given a lifeline to bring about healing. An opportunity to apologise and come clean. That decision in itself, while I respect it, could not have been easy. Having to face someone and admit that you participated in orchestrating their demise. A process of rehabilitation.
When I cast my eye beyond the young man to those standing above him, there are two leaders. One who mercilessly inflicted moral injury and one who facilitated a process of rehabilitation. The latter is what real leadership looks like. The ability not just to remind and condemn, but also to lead the individual along a path of rehabilitation. Recognising the moral injury and bringing about healing.
The corporate streets are littered with people who suffer from severe moral injury. We don’t always see the effects thereof. But their bodies keep score, and it manifests itself through physical dis-ease. Their minds keep score, and it manifests through psychological dis-ease. When leaders cause moral injury, the consequences run deep and have significant ripple effects within the organization and, sometimes, in broader society. But, when leaders facilitate a process of rehabilitation, they can bring about healing.
Moral rehabilitation is something leaders very rarely discuss. We are very quick to talk about discipline and accountability, but remain blind to the wounds inflicted by leaders. We very seldom ask how ethical leaders help restore someone who has been morally compromised. Or, whether organisations should intentionally rehabilitate people. These are very important questions. Especially when one considers organisations as corporate citizens that have a significant impact on society. If the injury occurs within an organisation, does the leadership not have a moral obligation to ensure it does not send unrehabilitated people back into society? I believe it is absolutely necessary and possible to rehabilitate people, but it requires conscious leadership, will, effort, and sometimes professional assistance.
Leadership does not merely influence decisions. Leadership shapes conscience.
This piece may lift the lid off hidden moral injuries for some people. The best way to deal with these matters is not to sweep them back under the carpet, lest they keep haunting you in the background. Facing them is the path to healing. Sometimes seeking help is a necessary part of the process.
If you are exploring these questions in your own leadership journey, you are welcome to connect or learn more about my work here: Board Services and Executive Support
